19 December 2011
(AP) Seoul, South Korea -- In a stunning turn of events, an American college football coach has been named the successor of legendary North Korean dictator Kim Jong-il.
Todd Graham, 47, formerly the head football coach of Rice Tulsa Pitt Arizona State, took the reins of leadership after a short power-vaccum left by the death of the long-time North Korean leader.
"Let me tell ya'll, it's been a dream of me Penni to rule an Asian country ever since they built one of them P.F. Changs in Tulsa." the Texan said.
International observers have raised concern over the lack of qualifications of a college football coach to run a country, particularly one as volitile as North Korea, Graham deflected, stating, "My wife has family here."
Graham became agitated when questioned on his ability to lead a sovereign nation without the help of Gus Malzahn or Chad Morris.
"Let me tell you something, son, I'm the innovator here. North Korea has problems, and that's no disrespect to Mr. Il. But let me tell ya'll, ya'll ain't seen nothing yet."
"Like rice distribution. We're going to be distributing in the left lane. With the pedal to the floor. And, and 'high-octane!'" exclaimed Graham.
"What we're all about is integrity. Integrity and death to the 'Great Satan,'" Graham said as the military leaders that surrounded Graham at the podium burst into applause at the reference to North Korea's enemy, America.
When asked a follow-up question about American relations, Graham shock his head and told reporters, "Wait, I was talking about Tino Sunseri. Is there another Great Satan?"
When asked why he had left the Sun Devil program with addressing the team, Graham cited difficulty crossing the demilitarized zone.
"Events unfolded so quickly, that once Penni and I had made a decision that we felt was best for our family, we had to act. We only had four and half hours of nighttime remaining and believe me, you don't want to be crawling through the mud and under barbed-wire trying to get past men with machine guns in the daylight. That was how I had to leave Rice and I didn't want to have to do it again."
Graham also defended his constant job-hoping, saying that he would remain in Pyongyang for the long-haul.
"This is a place of great tradition. This is a place where I can build a high-octane nuclear arsenal. I ain't goin' run to Laos or anything like that as soon as I get the chance," Graham joked before he questioned reporters on whether or not there truly was an opening in Laos.
Nothing new on the coaching search. Luke Fickell talked to the Columbus Dispatch about the interview. Paul Chryst went the non-verbal route. Mario Cristobal finally said something, however 'meh' it may be.
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